(A Not So) Happy Coming Out Day

In an email to a colleague this morning, I greeted her with an exuberant “Happy Coming Out Day!” Yet, the irony of my work at SLDN is that it is a greeting that I cannot truly share with those that I work with, lesbian, gay and bisexual service members.

Yes, we are seeing a number of service members who are out to their military colleagues. Service members, like former Marine Sergeant Brian Fricke, are out to their colleagues with no problems whatsoever. After coming out to colleagues, Fricke says, “Despite the hype about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ and the trouble gays would cause in the ranks, it wasn’t that big of a deal. And it wouldn’t be today. I remained Corporal Fricke, and I happened to be gay.”

Stories like Fricke’s are truly encouraging. We know the tides are changing, and changing for the better.

And yet, coming out puts these service members at risk of discharge under the antigay “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law. For these service members, coming out to the wrong person can and does lead to dismissal under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” In an interview with the Connecticut paper, The Day, Bronwen Tomb, a former Coast Guard Academy cadet, talks about having been out to several colleagues for years. Yet, when she told the wrong person, she was out of the Coast Guard.

Tomb says, “People think of [‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’] as a gentleman's agreement to be discreet,” she said. “But you can't do anything. You can't tell anyone under this policy. Eventually it requires you to be deceptive in some ways.”

Last time I checked, deception was not a part of the Coast Guard’s values. Nor is it an Army, Air Force, Navy, or Marine Corps value. All of the services extol the virtues of integrity and respect. Yet, these values, coupled with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” sends a mixed message to service members, and to the American public. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” asks service members to lie about who they are. Yet, the services ask service members to adhere to the virtues of integrity and honor. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” says that lesbian, gay and bisexual service members are not good enough to serve their country just as they are. Yet, the services ask service members to value their diverse work force.

Isn’t it time that we respected the service of all service members?

My hope this National Coming Out Day, is that one day soon, I will be able to greet all service members with “Happy Coming Out Day!” and that they, too, can take part in being honest about who they are and who they love, and not worry that their act of integrity will endanger their lives or their livelihood.

- Rebecca Sawyer